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Tag: funny things kids say

  • My kids say funny stuff, too 4

    My children like to bond with me by making me watch a god-awful mutually-enjoyable television show with them. With my daughter, it’s frequently Animal Planet because she doesn’t like cooking shows or shows where people speak intelligent dialogue. I don’t like shows where the main character is a pretty but quirky and misunderstood white girl who’s best friend is a fat black girl with a  ghetto accent even though her parents are plastic surgeons and live in a mansion.

    My daughter has been taking advantage of the fact that her brother would rather IM with his friends than interact with his family. Recently, though, he noticed that his sister has had two consecutive weeks of mother-daughter bonding time. He walked in on us about halfway through “The Great Barrier Reef” and demanded to know when it was his turn. I invited him to join us, noting “It’s a really beatiful show.” He declined just as a shark devoured a sea turtle, crushing it’s shell like it was a potato chip. “Real beautiful,” he said, leaving the room.

    Later in the week, Chris Hayes appeared as a panelist on Real Time with Bill Maher. I proudly admit to having a massive nerd-girl crush on Chris Hayes. I’m into that boyish good looks and quick intellect thing. Now, I’m also into Joe Manganiello and am pretty sure Chris Hayes shirtless would cancel out his nerdly hotness.

    I invited my son to watch Real Time with me. For a few minutes we watched the debate in silence. Chris was acquitting himself nicely, defending his views with a devastating combination of wit, mastery of the facts and intelligence.

    Rapt, my son said, “Did he go to Harvard? Or did he invent Harvard?”

  • My kids say funny stuff, too 3

    I live with food heathens. While I will eat, and enjoy, pretty much anything (except liver), they are happy to subsist on chips, cheese and bacon. These are three of my favorite food groups, but I occasionally like to eat as if my heart mattered to me. Unfortunately, many of the things that only I will eat come in a package designed for a family of vegans, or, as my son might say, “A family of losers.” Hence, the following scenario is all too common.

    Me (clearing out the fridge, flinging half-eaten containers of healthful foods in the nearby trash): Agh! Why don’t they make these in smaller containers? I’m so sick of throwing away hummus!

    My husband: Oh, Bah Hummus!

    Me, after several seconds of glaring at him: Oh, my god. You didn’t just say that. Daughter, come shoot your daddy in the head.

    Daughter (whining): But then I’d have to go to juvie!

  • My kids say funny stuff, too 2

    featuring my son, 16 years old

    My son is now at the age where he leaves for hours at a time to meet up with friends and do constructive things like drive from mall to mall visiting their favorite stores. I say visiting because, between them, they have almost enough money to get a fast food meal and put half a gallon of gas in the designated driver’s car.

    I know a little bit more about the aspirations of some of my son’s cohorts than is comfortable for a woman known to worry about things like being sucked out of an airplane toilet. I know, for instance, that one of his group really, really wants to try LSD or just about any mind-altering substance.

    Recently, Son came home from one of his mall inventorying ventures along with three other young men. I was coming down the stairs just as they opened the front door so nearly collided into Son. He was smiling; he looked happy. This is not a state I am accustomed to in him. Mr. I Want To Drop Acid and See God was with him.

    I surveyed the situation and said the first thing that popped into my head.

    “Are you high?” I said. He and his friends looked at me like I was insane. Now, the minute it came out of my mouth I knew it was probably not the best way to greet my son and three young men who tower over me, but there you are.

    Later, reviewing the incident, I asked my son, “God, what on earth was I thinking!?”

    “I don’t know, Mom,” he said. “I was like ‘Hi, Mom!’ and you were like ‘Hi, Drug Addict!’”